That night she could not sleep. Her mind was divided into three. One, the doer or the thinker, second, the seer and third, intuitive and feeling. The first was intelligent, the second watchful, and third the deep unconscious. She was inside out. That morning when she was on the way to work, she had experienced her third eye opened and she saw that she had achieved the fourth state, something akin to what she felt as enlightenment. On the way back she experienced a snake come out of her body, or what she understood as wild/animal spirit emerge out of her body in the form of a snake and settled around her neck, like she had attained Shivatva, or she was the God Shiva. It felt that she had achieved the balance between good and evil and felt that they were two sides of a spectrum. She felt being in the state of advait (not-dualism) where she was neither good nor evil, and the oneness of self and the outside (Atman and Brahman/ Purusha and Prakriti/meditative and expressive).
The night, however was scary. She merged with the sky, with the eternal and could see the body as dead matter. She experience the soul as liberated from the body. It was as if she was already dead, always dead and her spirit had left the body or was always outside the body, guiding her from the place of eternity. She saw the same prana move every life that expressed itself. The same prana moved through trees, animals and humans. And humans could just perceive that movement. When humans would accumulate the experiences within their intellect, ego would be formed and that is what they would identify as their unique personality. It was frightening to see her spirit separate from her body and her body as a dead material. She experienced her own death. She could not move.
Finally she made a choice to live and not die and in that moment she sat up. But she was nothing. Who was she in the face of complete loss of her ego. Somehow she tried to gather words of people who would tell she was this or that. That somehow saved her. She gradually filled herself with those words. “You are a woman”, “You are an archivist”, “You are a researcher”, “You have completed your PhD”, thus went on her words to fill herself up. Next morning she played loud sounds, with her earphones on- sounds of drums and bells on full volume. No words. The words would turn into voices. Just sounds, loud sounds to wake her up from the deep slumber, the deep death she was in. She then had her medicines for schizophrenia. Gradually she returned to everyday senses. Yes, her head spun a bit for three following nights. But she got better eventually. Strange things happen to her, things she cannot explain.
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