I was wrong, definitely!

But Some Questions about Placing Expectations…

I have been pondering since this morning about placing expectations. It is often told to us that we should not expect anything from anyone. But why? So that we won’t get hurt in any circumstance? Or so that expecting anything from anyone is inherently unfair? I do not sense genuineness in the first assertion because I feel it comes from a space of self- enlargement and huge sense of self- defense. If we have to protect ourselves so dearly from the ones we love, then what is the whole purpose of love anyway? Also having no expectation accompanies a cold feeling that is hardly better than getting hurt. So saving myself from getting hurt at the end does not form a solid argument against having expectations.

Now, is it inherently unfair to expect anything from anyone? In one way, that may be so. Because when we expect, we look for things to happen our way; we tend to recognize appreciation only when it meets the criteria of what appreciation should look like according to us. So, to expect, is already to expect someone else to completely understand our language and in some way, our inner world. That is almost an impossible feet for anyone to achieve.

And yet, a world with no expectations sounds rather cold and colorless to me. I feel that this call for not expecting anything from anyone manifests not only at an interpersonal level but at the level of how we treat life, world, nature, society and ecology around us. We tend to also then confirm that no one should place any expectations upon us. That way, we can pretend to stay righteous in our most cruel neglects. I genuinely feel that a certain warmth is owed to all of us as we owe the same to all around us. If we do not expect that, then by implication, we have no right to complain if people are seen to be unconcerned and cold about society and life-forms at large.

I have been in a lot of confusion since this morning , still am. I have been blaming myself for expecting warmth, enthusiasm and appreciation. I have been blaming myself for the fact that I might have misunderstood. I have been very doubtful if what I have done in the past few days holds any value at all- maybe what I consider to be some sort of a significant (even if small) achievement may be inconsequential, after all. Maybe I am inconsequential after all. Or maybe I need to find all the validation for it somewhere just within myself. Maybe I am insecure. Am I? Should we not count on any external validation? Does valuing oneself imply that you become this diamond that shines bright from within? But even diamond does not shine like that, coming straight from the mine. What value is diamond if there is no one to appreciate its radiance? Or a rose flower for that matter? Of course, I am none of that. I am no diamond, no rose flower, nothing – do not mistake me for claiming that. Perhaps I am a seeker of some warmth and it is definitely possible that it is around but I am not able to see it. I do not seek empathy. But let’s say I did? Is that wrong? Why is it that seeking anything warm these days is wrong and yet we constantly crib about the world getting colder?

Give it some time. Perhaps somewhere within that solitude that has dissipated in the face of doubt since a while, I will rediscover all the warmth. And then perhaps what I write may then read warmer too. And then perhaps, everything will again be as it was. And then perhaps somewhere through these rhythms, I will find harmony again.